Everyone’s getting it wrong

Doctor Who isn’t really off for two weeks for Eurovision. They’re just really really crafty and this is the long waited for Doctor Who Eurovision episode set in the year 3000, where Stephen Moffat will finally reveal to us the deep dark secret of why Terry Wogan (still presenting it) cannot escape its sinister clutches!!

Captain Jack and Captain John will find themselves transmated into this episode to sing “I Lost My Heart to A Starship Trooper”. 

Donna will sing “I will Survive”; she will be fabulous and we’ll all love her utterly… then she’ll slip off the stage and die a really pointless “Joss Whedon”-esque death that’s meant to teach us some bollocks or other.

Mickey Smith will refuse to sing at first on the grounds that it’s Eurovision and crap, but then be blackmailed (on pain of K9’s destruction) into joining in with the heavy rock band from Raxacoricofallapatorious. The song will involve lots of farting and the highlight will be Mickey lighting them and killing all the Slitheen members of the band (although this is Doctor Who, so this will be funny and absolutely not murder).

Rose will be transmated in to sing the Billie Piper classic “Because We Want To”, after which she will be stoned to death by crazed Billie Piper fangurls who hate the fact that isn’t she isn’t as good as the original. The Doctor will then go all emo and travel back in time to wipe Billie Piper from existence and create a paradox that will destroy the universe.

Sarah Jane Smith and K9 will sing a duet of “How Much is that Doggie in the Window” that wins the contest.

Martha will appear as Terry Wogan’s co host. She wont be wearing any knickers.